Monday, January 16, 2006

"God had the power to change it and he didn't."

How do you come to grips with that pure and simple fact?

I knew who God was. I had witnessed his incomprehensible power. I mean, I had spent thousands of hours in Bible class, Bible hour, Bible camps, devotionals, sermons, VBS, etc. I knew all of that in my brain, and this didn't compute.

My faith was shaken to say the least. The less extreme side of me started trying to "trust and obey" without the trust. When that didn't feel right, I began throwing the obey part out the window as well. I used what emotional strength I had to build walls to protect me from God and anything that he might be trying to do in my heart. I was an emotional wasteland.

But, there were still those seeds planted in the deepest parts of my soul that wouldn't let me close the door on God completely. I had been "trained up" in the right way and I couldn't part from it. It was a part of me whether I liked it or not. No matter what my brain told me, my heart knew that the darkest, scariest day with God was better than the most calm day without Him. And, after months of anger, pain, and depression, I began to allow God to "do his thang." God began his holy healing process in my heart. I had to learn some pretty basic things. Well, I had to way more than learn them, I had to store them in my heart, believe them, and allow those truths direct my life.

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