Monday, January 16, 2006

So. . .

So . . . What have I learned so far?

God loves me. He loves me more than I can imagine loving my own children.

Bubba hates shots. He worries and frets for days before if he knows they are comming. His anxiety is overwhelming by the time we enter the parking garage at the doctor's office. He tenses up and cries big crocodile tears as the moment approaches. His beautiful, big, brown, pleading eyes ask "How could you do this?" as we hold his hand while the nurse does the inevitable. Thankfully, he has never pushed me away as I try to comfort him. My arms ache to hold him as soon as I can. But, I love him too much to give in to his pleadings of no more shots. I still call several months ahead and make the appointments. (This somehow makes it worse, like it is pre-meditated or something.) Even though I hate the fact that he has to experience pain, (so much that I usually make Honey do all of the shot appointments) I know that my way is better than his. And even though I was the one who ultimately allowed the pain, Bubba still loves me, snuggles with me, seeks to hold my hand (don't tell him I told you that), and trusts me with the things most important to him.

For the longest time, I had this idea that God was sitting up in heaven waiting for me to trust him completely and make myself vulnerable to His will. I thought that as soon as I confessed this kind of "all-out" faith in Him, he would throw some kind of test at me to see how strong my faith really was. I was scared to death to think of what that "test" might be, and so I kept myself from selling out to God. I always kept a small part of myself from trusting. I was spending my energy waiting for the next bomb to drop. I had a false view of my Father.

God can't give bad gifts. It isn't in His nature. He seeks only to bless me and love me and lead me in the direction that is best for me. He would never hurt his beloved child. He will however always be there to hold me through the pain, and His arms ache to comfort me as soon as I will let him. And when I plead for no more shots, He will love me too much to deny me what will eventually make me healthier.

1 comment:

Laci said...

that was very encouraging. thank you. You know? you should consider submiting some of your writings to a Christian Magazine. Seriously.