Processing

To be honest, I'm kinda' tired of talking about this. It's draining and such a downer. I know if I'm tired of talking about it, you've got to be tired of reading about it. But here I am writing about it anyway. . .

When we agreed to help out on the youth retreat this past weekend, I felt very ambiguous about the decision. An "I can take it or leave it" kind of attitude. I pretty much told Honey to decide what he wanted to do and I would follow, support, and, most likely, have fun doing it. So, like so many times before, we left the girls with Mom & Dad, and Bubba, Honey, and I boarded a bus full of teens headed to the retreat site.

Just a side note here to say that Bubba thoroughly enjoyed himself. You know, he was the youth group baby for so long that lately he's been talking a lot about missing camps, and retreats, and such. His brain knows that it's not our job anymore, but his heart misses all the fun and attention he got from the teens.

As soon as we got to the church and began loading luggage, we saw one of our old teens. He had just finished 8th grade when we left and now he is well in to his 10th grade year. I love 10th graders. They've finally grown up and aren't as nerdy as they were in middle school. For me, it's my favorite age, and usually the time I form stronger bonds with the kids. In 10th grade, they can actually have a conversation with you and the glimpses into higher order thinking come more frequently.

Anyway, our old teen was attending this retreat with a friend from school and it was really great to see him and establish that he is, in fact, several inches taller than me. And to top it all off, we were assigned to work with the 10th grade group that weekend.

Saturday night, we were finishing up an activity, when I saw Old Teen. I sat down next to him hoping to catch up on his life when I became very aware that I had just interrupted something. He was talking to another teen and although I didn't hear anything Old Teen said, I heard the other teen's reply. "So if he left, why is he back here?"

In that moment, I froze. Emotions that I thought were worked through and in the past erupted to the surface. To this day, one of our greatest regrets about the timing of our resignation and the secrecy that surrounded it is the fact that we were in relationship with many teens and their parents. A trusting, give and take, friendship relationship. And, literally, one day we were promising that we were dedicated and committed to that group, and the next we had "resigned to pursue other opportunities". To my knowledge, no explaination was ever given to anyone, including us, about why we had resigned. At the very least, we felt everyone thought we were heartless and shady, not worthy to be trusted. It took many tears, prayers, and conversations for me to realize that where the teens are concerned, it's not about us. We weren't calling them to follow us, we were calling them to follow Jesus. They can do that whether we are there or not.

What still hurts is knowing that human nature doesn't allow one to just not know. Oftentimes, when we don't know the true information, we make up our own version of the truth. We make assumptions and harbor feelings that may or may not be right.

So, I froze as I sat down, because I wasn't sure I was ready to hear Old Teen's version of the truth. And I really didn't have it in me to honor our former elder's request to "just tell them to talk to us" if they ask you what happened. Even though, to this day, that is really the only true answer I have.

Before I could get back up, excuse myself, and allow them to finish their conversation in private, Old Teen awkwardly cleared his throat and asked the other guy, "So, what kind of truck did you say you drove?" And I felt invited to stay.

The next morning was our official Sunday morning worship time. Not just some songs before another session was to start while the cooks cleaned up from lunch and the pre-campers played outside. Worship. Praise, prayer, and sweet communion when everyone stopped the going home preparations and came together in that once in a lifetime, never have the exact group of people gathered in one place again time. To say that I was overwhelmed with emotion that morning would be an understatement. As I looked around that room and locked eyes with the unsure 6th grader on her first retreat, the taller than me 10th grade boys, the confident Seniors, the dedicated adults and parents, the precious pre-campers that want so much to be noticed by the big kids, emotion bottled up from somewhere deep inside consumed me. I miss this.