Trusting God

That last post? Just a little rant...didn't really have anything to do with Larissa's post, but still a part of my journey. I'm not really a rebel. I'm what you might call "all bark and no bite".

However, Larissa did mention having some trust issues. I can totally relate to that. A few months ago I was reflecting on some of the darkest days in my life and I wrote these words:

For the longest time, I had this idea that God was sitting up
in heaven waiting for me to trust him completely and make myself vulnerable to
His will. I thought that as soon as I confessed this kind of "all-out" faith in
Him, he would throw some kind of test at me to see how strong my faith really
was. I was scared to death to think of what that "test" might be, and so I kept
myself from selling out to God. I always kept a small part of myself from
trusting. I was spending my energy waiting for the next bomb to drop. I had a
false view of my Father.

I wrote this following a time in my life when my darkest nightmares had come true. I was hurt and blamed God for "allowing" it all to happen. I didn't totally abandon God, because, you know, I was the wife of a youth minister, and stuff. I had to put on a good face, but inside I was an empty, bitter void.

God spoke to me every time I opened myself up to "put on a good face", slowly chipping away at the wall I'd built between him and myself, and gently made me realize that he'd been there the entire time. He hurt with me and held me when I cried. He may not have stopped the nightmare, but he carried me through every step, and never once left me to fend for myself.

I learned that God could be trusted. Even in the nightmares. Trusting God doesn't mean that horrible things won't ever happen, it doesn't mean that we will get our way, it doesn't mean that the pain will be any less hurtful, or the life storm will be any less scary. It just means that no matter how ugly the situation, God is right beside you, carrying you, hurting with you, taking care of you, whether you can feel him or not.

And, Girls, I learned it good! Because, praise God!, this time around? Last September when we were cleaning out Honey's office? When we held our children and cried together? When we left our comfort zone and became a visitor? I never once doubted God. I never once blamed Him. And deep down, under whatever other emotion that was showing on the surface, I knew He was in control of the storm.